Fearing death and want a good laugh? These 114 funny death puns, jokes, and quotes will make you less fearful of rolling over in your grave!
Funny death puns? How can death possibly be funny?
Death isn’t funny. It’s the puns that are funny. Although it certainly helps, you don’t have to enjoy dark humor to enjoy these puns. They are funny puns that happen to be about death.
I scoured the Internet to find the best funny death puns. Unfortunately, I may have dug up a few bad ones. Jump straight to the puns.
Celebrations of Death
While death seems morbid to us now, that hasn’t always been the case. In the past, many cultures celebrated death.
Latin for “Remember that you die,” Memento Mori is one of the primary stoic principles. For obvious reasons, the concept of death has grown into something we dread. Death is most people’s biggest fear. They see it as the end.
Memento Mori reminds us that realizing our time is short helps us focus and appreciate what we have. Life is precious because it is fragile. Without death, life might be meaningless. As the French Philosopher said: 
“To practice death is to practice freedom. A man who has learned how to die has unlearned how to be a slave.”
– Michel de Montaigne
The Danse Macabre
The Danse Macabre was a French genre of art that personified Death interacting with people in their daily lives. You might find some of those works of art humorous.
Funny Death Puns
At his death bed, Achilles realized that they were going to lose the war and uttered his last words, “Defeet hurts.”
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.
My father expired when we were not able to remember his blood type. We kept asking him his blood type, but he kept insisting that we “be positive.”
The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, and wills.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What covid is doing is just plaguerism.
He chose the road death traveled.
I’m sure my neighbor Nicholas is trying to poison me… You’re such an Arse, Nick.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”
Why did they put a fence around the cemetery? People are dying to get in.
You Had To Know That One Would Show Up Here
A will is a dead giveaway.
He used to ring the church bell. Now he’s a dead ringer.
I suspected he was sick, and it was a dead giveaway when he signed his will.
The cheap casket was a dead giveaway! I won it in a raffle.
I thought the viewing was last night, but when I got there, the place was dead.
At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”
Being cremated is my last hope for a smokin’ hot body.
The Bourbonic Plague is probably the most likely Black Death version that would hit any person with alcoholic abuse.
I know I’m getting old. The other day I walked past a cemetery, and two guys attacked me with shovels.
Give a man a plane ticket, and he flies for the day. Push him out of the plane at 3,000 feet, and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
So Many of These Could Be Dad Jokes
The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
A professional skier will never die. They just go downhill.
I came across an advertisement for burial plots, and it occurred to me that it was the last thing I needed.
Twin monks who ring the church bells have died. They are now dead ringers.
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. The details are sketchy.
For all my life, my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fireplace, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral, I compulsively got my tools out and raised the fireplace ledge six inches higher. I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.
Dad always thought the last thing he needed was a burial plot. He was right.
What are ghosts’ favorite streets? Dead ends.
What is Mozart doing right now? Decomposing.
My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.
Funny Funeral Puns
Never get on a funeral director’s bad side. Remember, cremation destroys 100% of DNA.
Thanks to our funeral director for being the last person to let us down.
Being a funeral director is a dying profession.
A funeral director friend of mine bought a brand new Cadillac hearse. People are dying to take a ride in it.
What do you call a coffee shop that used to be funeral directors? A decoffinated cafe!
Today I passed my exams to be a funeral director! Shame it’s a dying trade.
The only thing worse than “checking in” at a funeral is tagging the person in the coffin.
I hate going to funerals because I’m not a mourning person.
I’m not a mourning person, so we need to schedule the funeral for the afternoon.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next!” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
How About Some Zombie Puns?
If you have a zombie friend who’s a light eater and asks you to join them for coffee so they can “pick your brain…” Think twice.
What’s the slogan for Zombie Skittles? Taste the Brainbow.
What’s your favorite quote from Zombie Romeo and Juliet? “Zombie or not Zombie, that is the question.”
What is your favorite Zombie Socrates quote? “Zombie is to do.”
What is your favorite Zombie Sartre quote? “To do is Zombie.”
What do you say about someone who is “Preoccupied or obsessed with” the idea of the living dead? They have a Zombie in their bonnet.
How do you describe a zombie who shows up every day, searching for brains and new zombie recruits? Dead-icated.
Do Zombies love fresh brains? Of, corpse they do!
What’s your favorite zombie Police song? Every Death You Take.
Where do you get honey in a cemetery? From a zom-bee!
Zombie Orphan Annie’s favorite song: The sun will come out…Tomb-orrow!
Have I Pun-ished You Enough Yet With The Funny Death Puns?
They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.
I’ll never forget my uncle’s last words on his death bed: “I am your Father.” A funny Star Wars joke, I hope!
“I’m telling you one last time,” the doctor yelled at his nurse, “When you’re filling out a death certificate, you put the name of illness under the cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!”
What’s the last thing to go through a fly’s head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 mph? Its butt.
Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”
My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder.
What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
That telemarketer wanted me to buy a grave plot. That’s the last thing I need!
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
13 Puns I Made Up For This Post
The grave digger spent many hours practicing his craft because he was so dead-icated.
The mortician still takes classes, wanting to further her dead-ucation.
Anyone buried in a cemetery becomes a new dead-dition to the graveyard club.
She did this for her own dead-ification.
Sherlock Holmes solved the case of the missing corpse using dead-uction.
The funeral home’s tax accountant is great a finding tax dead-uctions.
What kind of flowers were planted in the Swiss cemetery? Dead-elweiss.
These Funny Death Puns “Are all the Grave!”
A new printing of The Necronomicon would be a new dead-ition.
The Underworld Newspaper contained too many typos, so they had to hire a new deaditor.
It’s partially dead and partially undead. I loved the die-chotomy.
One executioner insisted upon burning victims at the stake. The other executioner insisted upon drowning their victims. They agreed on the result, but for their methods, they were die-ametrically opposed.
Have you ever heard that song Corpse-acabana by Bury Manilow?
When writing a letter to anyone in charge of a cemetery: “Tomb it May Concern.”
I was driving along Cemetery Road when I came upon a Dead End sign.
My friend convinced me to visit Karl Marx’s grave. It turns out it’s just a communist plot.
I just visited my late grandmother’s grave in the cemetery. When I went there, I found her dancing! It was quite the Plot Twist.
Gravediggers are overweight due to their cemetery lifestyle.
What is the way to the cemetery? Go straight and take the last rite.
Which style font was used on Wyat Earp’s tombstone? Sans sheriff.
I thought about opening up a cemetery, but it seems like it would be a large undertaking.
Headstone: “Here Lies Mozart, Decomposing”
What do you with a dead chemist? Barium. (I guess you have to be into chemistry jokes.)
I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Each one of them was looking this way and that. I saw them again two hours later, and they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery. I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”
Funny Death Quotes
“There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. The living are getting rarer.”
-Eugene Ionesco (playwright)
“I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.”
“My father was from Aberdeen and a more generous man you couldn’t wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post-dated, of course.”
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
“At a formal dinner party, the person nearest to death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.”
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.” —Demetri Martin (comedian)
“I’d like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.”
“Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped.”
“Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours.”
– Yogi Berra
“As soon as you’re born, you start dying. So you might as well have a good time.”
-John M Mccrea
“I intend to live forever or die trying.”
– Groucho Marx
A Man’s Nagging Wife Suddenly Died While on a Vacation in Jeruselum
Funeral director: Sir, it will cost you about $45,000 if we send your wife’s remains back to the United States. It will cost $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem.
Man: Go ahead and ship her home. We’ll bury her there.
Funeral director: Are you sure? You’ll save almost $45,000 if you let us bury her here, and she’ll be buried in the Holy Land.
Man: I understand the cost. However, a man buried here a long time ago rose from the dead after 3 days. I can’t take that chance!
Granny on the Roof
Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked Bobby, “How’s my cat?”
Bobby hesitated a moment, then informed Lenny that his cat had died.
“What?! You shouldn’t have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell and died,” explained Lenny.
Bobby apologized and went about his day.
About a week later, Lenny called again and asked, “How’s my Granny?”
There was a long silence. Then Bobby answered, “Well, she’s on the roof.”
I Can Fix That
A scientist, a mathematician, and an engineer are stranded on a small island inhabited by some very reclusive locals. They find themselves in jail the next day for breaking some obscure law that nobody can really explain.
They’re sentenced to death. Not that their “crime” was all that severe, but the ruler just got a sweet deal on a second-hand electric chair, and he’s itching to give it a go.
The scientist is the first up to the chair. He takes one look and tells the locals, “this thing won’t hurt me. I’ll bet I can’t even feel it.”
Well, they strap him in, throw the switch, and…. nothing. The locals are amazed, so they let him go figuring he’s a wizard or something.
Next up is the mathematician. She doesn’t know how the scientist made it through without a scratch but figures she’ll do the same. She announces, “hahaha! This thing won’t hurt me. I won’t even be able to feel it.”
They strap her in, throw the switch, and…. nada. They let her go, too.
Finally, the engineer is up. Everybody eyes him closely as he’s led out, expecting the same voodoo as the others.
The engineer takes one look at the chair and announces, “this thing will never work…
… you have to plug it in, first.”
Death and Rabbits
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact. “Judy, Judy.”<br>
“Is that you, George?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful!? What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch. You’d be proud, lots of greens. Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then it’s more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep, and then the next day, it starts all over again.”
“Oh, George, are you in Heaven?”
“No, I’m a rabbit in Kansas.”
I Call That a Bargain!
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: “Mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go ahead,” she answers.
“Bargain,” the man replies.
“Thanks,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”
What Does It Mean to Have a Plethora, Jefe?
A man attended a funeral for his best friend. He approached the grieving widow, gestured to the podium, and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”
“Sure. Go ahead,” she replied.
“Plethora,” he said and sat back down.
“Thank you,” the widow replied. “It means a lot.”
The first guy proudly: “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky. Mine’s still alive.”
11 Stoic Quotes About Death
Congratulations if you’ve made it this far! I know it seems morbid, but death is inevitable. Death is going to happen. Dreading and fearing it will only make the few years we have less enjoyable.
Here are a few quotes about death from the Stoics.
“I cannot escape death, but at least I can escape the fear of it.”
“It’s better to conquer grief than to deceive it.”
“It is not death that a man should fear, but rather he should fear never beginning to live.”
“That man lives badly who does not know how to die well.”
-Lucius Annaeus Seneca
“You may leave this life at any moment: have this possibility in your mind in all that you do or say or think.”-
“For it is not death or pain that is to be feared, but the fear of pain or death.”
“No man can escape his destiny, the next inquiry being how he may best live the time that he has to live.”
“Given that all must die, it is better to die with distinction than to live long.”
“Stop whatever you’re doing for a moment and ask yourself: Am I afraid of death because I won’t be able to do this anymore?”
“Don’t behave as if you are destined to live forever. What’s fated hangs over you. As long you live and while you can, become good now.”
“Death is necessary and cannot be avoided. I mean, where am I going to go to get away from it?”